Altered book spread “advice”

As promised, I’m showing more of the pages from my altered book of me, made as part of the Art, Heart and Healing class done by Willow.

This page spread is full of advice and positive comments that I think every child needs to hear repeatedly.  I didn’t grow up with a lot of confidence and felt awkward in my body so I focused on sentiments that would help ease those pains.

    I still struggle with body image on a daily basis.  I was underweight until after I was married.  So that is the norm that I associate with my body.  After settling into our married routine, I gained and was in a “normal” weight zone, but I felt fat.  Its stupid, ,I know, but that is how I felt.  A few years at this weight and I had a major stress with my dad getting very ill, very suddenly and some food allergies/intolerances that I now realize I had had all my life, kicked into overdrive and I got sick.  I couldn’t eat anything without spending hours in the bathroom.  I spent about 2 years eating very little and going to many specialists who couldn’t help me.  I was back to “underweight” but very sick most of every day.

I finally tried a natural treatment that combines energy medicine with accupressure and got my reactions to food back to a manageable level.  That meant that I could once again eat foods I loved and not get sick.  And that is just what I did.  I ate.  Everything.  And I gained lots of weight and actually tipped out at an “obese” (don’t you just love the terms for weight) level.  I have to say that I enjoyed every bite that got me there.  It was wonderful to eat and rarely get sick and I took pleasure in tasting things I hadn’t been able to have for a long time.

Of course, I did not take pleasure in my body.  It led to my depression flaring and lots of self-worth issues.  It was a very rough time where it seemed my only pleasure was in eating (kinda a double edged sword huh?).  I stayed at this extra large size for about 2-3 years.  Then I took action.

I worked hard.  I did daily workouts (many times 2 a day), and I ate very carefully.  The weight came off and I returned to the “normal” weight zone (which I still sometimes feel fat in) and have remained there for the past 5 years.  Most days my body image is ok now, but their are days I look in the mirror and see all the faults instead of the strong able body that I have.  I am still a work in progress.

I know many women struggle with body image and I wish that our society would lend itself to celebrating the diversity of our bodies instead of idealizing those few and far between perfect ones.  So, my spread focuses on the words that I wish I had heard more growing up (I did hear them, but I think every little girl should be able to hear them ALL the time).  I try to say these things to my nieces so that they hopefully they can celebrate their individuality rather than struggle with it.  And I try to be a positive, healthy role model for my students.  I celebrate their uniqueness with them and I hope they grow into strong, beautiful women.

So, dear readers if you’ve made it this far in my lengthy post I hope you’ll respond with compassion.  I’ve bared a part of me that is raw.  I’m hoping that by doing so I’ll reach a better level of acceptance of my body and be stronger overall.  Thanks.

A New Banner with a Gentle Reminder

I made this banner over the summer by cutting newspaper into diamond shapes, folding them over a length of string and Modge Podging the heck out of them. I meant to decorate and hang them shortly after making it but as it was, by the time the glue dried I was off in a different direction and didn't come back until today.

I've been reading McCabe's creative assignment and although I haven't decided if I want to commit to every assignment, reading about hanging something pretty inspired me to pull out the banner and finish it up. (Having the new art studio to work in, and hang it in also made me excited about this process.) I chose the phrase "Enjoy Today" because I need to remind myself to truly do that. At this point, I can recognize the beginning signs of a bout with depression. I am doing everything I know of to keep this attack at bay and then some, but truly, to "Enjoy Today" is something I struggle with even when my depression is at a "good" level. I let little things consume me with worry and and when I see a calendar full of committments I get very overwhelmed and anxious. I need to live in the moment and I'm trying. Its very frustrating to know these things and still have my mind succumb to being pulled down to the depths of despair. I guess we all have different demons we need to deal with in life and this is one of mine.

Sorry this is a bit of a downer post. I do hope that you were able to enjoy today and also to continue doing the same thing every day of your life. Thanks for stopping by.

I thought I was helping. Doing a little bit to ease anothers load. I just didnt do it right. Feelings of incompetence and frustration fill me but the overriding emotion is sadness and I feel the depression enveloping me once again.